being honest

Tonight is a night for honesty.

As I am sitting here watching Kinzleigh  crawl around get into everything that is in her reach, I am reminded how very blessed I am to have such an amazing life. I mean... I have a husband who would bend over backwards to make life for Kinzleigh and I perfect. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach. I have a perfect little girl who was sent straight from God. I have wonderful pups who are so well behaved and love Kinzleigh with everything they have. I am blessed. Blessed beyond belief. Yet I still worry. I still feel sad sometimes. I still feel like I am not doing enough.

I struggle with left over baby weight.
I struggle with friendships that aren't perfect.
I struggle with insecurites.
I struggle with being a full time working mom and not being here with K all day.
I struggle knowing that I may never be a Perfect mom.
I struggle knowing that I may never be a Perfect wife.

But you know what? I think that's normal. I don't think there is anything wrong with worrying. I have grown into a woman who has learned it is best to leave the worrying to God. I know he will rescue me. I know he will carry me through things that I can not get through on my own. Man...I can't imagine not having my God.
A few years back, before I met Tim, I was lost. I truly believe had I not met him, if God had a different path for my life, I would be a completely different person today. I would be mean, and wild, and have no care for my future. When Tim and I met, he brought me back to church. I saw the kind of man he was (one that feared the Lord, a man that would be the Spiritual Leader in his house, a man that knew God brought us together) and I wanted to be where he was. I wanted to know the Lord more. I wanted to worship and really feel something.
 Here is where I am today. I am a member of a wonderful church. I am a part of the choir. I have made more friends in this church than in any church I have been to - friends I know I can call upon and I trust with my whole heart. 
 I now know that there is nothing in the world that is more important than my family. My husband and my daughter. Without my husband and my daughter..I would not be the person I am today. Before, I did not care about other people. I did not care about friends or family. The only person I cared about was myself. I cared about going out, getting drunk every night, meeting boys, and bringing them home. I was LOST. I did not care who I hurt or who hurt me.
Today...I am a completely different person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. If someone I care about hurts me, physically or emotionally, it bothers me to my core. When I worship;  whether in my home, car, or church I feel the grace and mercy of God. I actually feel Him with me. When we got married, I knew my life would change. I knew I would become someone completely different and I was more than ready for what God had in store for us. We quit drinking. We quit going out. We quit being friends with those that only cared about getting drunk with us. God had so much more in store for us.
When I got pregnant, I learned more about love. I learned that you give up everything for your child. You become a different person. I remember sitting in the hospital room, moments after giving birth and being so shocked that I was a mom. I couldn't believe that God trusted me to raise a child in this world. How on earth was I supposed to do that? I remember having tons of visitors (I can't tell you who visited because I was doped up) but I do remember having people visit. I also remember kicking people out when it was time to nurse...oh nursing...it was so hard. Kinzleigh couldn't catch on. I couldn't catch on. We were a hot mess. It took us 6 weeks of fighting each other (K and I) before I finally bit the bullet and switched to formula. Oh how much fun that was when people found out you were not breastfeeding. Ha! Or when people found out that you hadn't had a date night with just your husband and your baby was already 2 months old. It's always funny to me how people are so quick to give advice. Even when it's not requested. I especially love I tell people that at 10 months old, Kinzleigh sleeps in the bed with us. haha. I just love seeing peoples expressions..it's always fun.
Here is what I have learned as a mom to a 10 month old.
*people will always give advice, yes, even strangers.
--no it does not matter if you do not want to put socks on your child. Just because the little old lady in the grocery store told you that your poor baby has freezing feet...you do not have to whip out socks.
*you will not always get to do what you want to do -- get over it
-- and I'm not talking about going out to a concert that starts at 10:00 pm, I'm talking about breastfeeding -if you can't or don't want to, it's not the end all be all.
*people will dissapoint you--again get over it.

****will finish tomorrow************

Weekends

I live for the weekends and so does this pretty girl. I love that I can spend all day just lounging around and sleeping or watching tv, or just watching Kinzleigh enjoy the world around her.

I am in full party planning mode and finally picked the the for K's party. We will be doing a "girlie zoo". Here is what 1 of her outfits will look like.

New Year...New Days....New Ways...

Here are my "Resolutions" for 2012.

1) Read more..starting tonight with my Bible!
2) SIGHTSEE...(it is now 1/6/11...and our family of 5...dogs included...have been camping to 2 different campsites already!)
3) Live like no one else so that later we can LIVE like no one else. (cash only please)
4) Stop letting others tell me how to live. (or should I say...stop caring so much about what others think and live how I want to live)
5) Lose the baby weight ( I mean Seriously lose it)
6) LET GO!! I wear my heart on my sleeve. I care about everyone, and I mean, Everyone. I want everyone to be happy and sometimes forget about myself. This is it! I am tired. I am exhausted. And I am ready to be happy. So I am going to learn this year how to just BE.

I realize this list is getting long....

7) Eat better...(ok maybe not perfect...I may still have the occasional processed food...GASP - but I will make an effort to eat better.)

8) Spend more time playing with her...

and less time playing on the computer/phone.

(starting tonight...all notifications on my phone have been turned off and I will no longer feel the need to rush to it when I hear a text message)

With that said....I'm out! (I have a little one trying to eat dog food)