when 1 door closes another opens right up...

While I'm very sad to see my grandmother go, I am very excited to see where this new journey takes my relationship with my dad. I went over to see him last night, (he's currently in town staying at my mom's house-she lives with her boyfriend) :) Anyways...

Tim and I went over there for dinner. My dad makes killer chili and it's the only kind I'll eat. So while eating dinner we just reminisced about old times and laughed so much it hurt. We are going over there again tonight for new years eve and then again for dinner tomorrow. He lives in Panama City so I want to spend as much time with him as I can while he's here. Especially with the given circumstances. I must say, we actually had a great time last night. I'm looking forward to starting our relationship over.

On another positive note, I have a friend at work who goes to the same OBGYN as I and she's been trying to get pregnant for the past year. (wow...I would go nuts) Anyways, she also had a miscarriage while on clomid and is not going through fertility treatments. Her and her husband decided to take a month off the medication b/c of financial reasons. (it gets expensive-believe me) WELL...she took 2 pregnancy tests yesterday and today and both were positive...so here's a quick prayer that those tests were actually right. It's hard to trust them when they have failed you before. :) but what a wonderful new years eve gift that would be.

I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL NEW YEARS and may the NEW YEAR bring endless happiness and wonderful things!

"May be surrounded by a million people I still feel all alone, I just wanna go home"

we got the call today...my grandmother passed away in her sleep last night. While my heart is heavy and very saddened, I know she is in heaven with her momma...the one place she couldn't wait to go. She was a very Godly woman and I looked up to her so. Many memories were spent as a child at their home in Milton. My papa had a chicken farm and every morning when I would stay there we would go get eggs, feed the chickens, and even break a few eggs on the way back. I would then come in and my Granny would put me in the tub wash me down and then afterwards spread all different lotions and powders all over my body to make me smell good. I can still to this day remember standing on the tub and the smell of the lotion she used. Sometimes I'll catch a smell of it in the air and it will take me back. I can remember going on many trips to Munson pool, the park on Munson Hwy-(and even remember breaking my arm there), and many many trips to Hardees for my Jelly Biscuit.

I feel so much sorrow...but even more for my dad. We haven't spent much time together in the past few years and I long to be back to a point where me and dad are close again. I want my children to have a grandfather in their life so that they can have the same memories that I've had.

I plan on getting together with my dad tonight for the first time since before my wedding over a year ago. Hopefully this will put us back on track.

So I was googling (if that's a word) and came across this wonderful website. It's amazing how God can put at your fingertips exactly what you need at the exact moment.

Here is the website: http://www.crosswalk.com/marriage/11608040

I promise...this article had so many good points that I needed to hear. One of my favorites: "It can be disheartening when you see other woman get pregnant around you, especially those who aren't married and don't want a baby. The devil will send fleeting thoughts your way like "why is it that I am serving God and can't get pregnant while so many teenagers and people who aren't serving God are having babies!" Sometimes it seems that people who aren't doing things God's way are better off, but in the end they are not and we need to reject these negative thoughts. The only thing you can control is yourself and what you focus on and think about. The verse tells us to be still in God and wait patiently. It doesn't tell us to worry and make things happen on our own."
I know a couple girls that are much younger than I who had little boys a couple months ago, and everytime I see those gorgeous babies I can't help but get jealous, but this article really made me see the light. I realize now that it's not healthy for me to think this way. Well I always knew that but now, hopefully it will stick. I have to make my body as healthy as possible and that includes the negative thoughts I sometimes have.
Another part of the article says: Sometimes it feels overwhelming to want something so badly and yet have to wait so long for it. Yet, everyday God gives us the strength to make it through another day. " The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow temptation to be more than you can stand." 1 Cor 10:13" This is also so true for Tim and I. We keep reminding ourselves that God does not put us through what we can not stand. I know I may not fully understand it now...but one day when I'm looking into they eyes of my beautiful son or daughter I will truly see the light.

My Grandmother is currently in Hospice with Cancer eating her away and the last time I saw her, she asked me if we were going to get pregnant before she died. And then she said, "trust me, when I get to heaven, I will make sure I talk to the Angels and put a precious baby inside that belly of yours" It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

Happy Birthday to me...

My birthday was on Sunday...Tim is the sweetest husband ever. Not because he did anything super sweet but just because he is...well...just because. We went to breakfast at whataburger (not the healthiest but my favorite) and then to my cousins for lunch. The majority of the morning was spent relaxing, playing on my new laptop, and jamming out to 50 cent "In Da Club" haha. After lunch we hit the mall...we went shopping until about 6:00 then came home to the puppies. We shopped for quite some time and I didn't hear one complaint out of Tim. He just kept asking me "where to now" so sweet.

The baby thing...well...we're still trying. I don't think I ovulated this month. Mainly because I wasn't on clomid, but we'll start back on it next month. We knew we were taking that chance when the time came this month to start on it and we didn't. We just had that feeling that we were pregnant and didn't want to harm our baby. So it really doesn't matter to us that we missed 1 month.

I got a text from my friend today that she found out at the doctor today, she has signs of endometriosis. My prayers are definitely with her and her husband tonight. I kinda wish my doctor would've done more research/tests before he put me on Clomid, but I just have to remember that God has plans and I have trust in him.

I received an email today and there was something in it that really hit hard. It said that when we finally do have our own little one, while everyone else is complaining about being up at 3am with a screaming kid, we will cherish it because of how bad we want one now. I find this to be very true. I know a couple girls who have babies and while I'm (a tad) jealous, there are times when I hear things they say about being tired and wish so bad for that. I want to have black circles under my eyes from being up all night, I want to have spit up on my clothes, (gross I know). More than anything I want to see my little one's hand wrapped tightly around Tim's finger. Sometimes it's hard to not feel like a failure because you're a woman and you are supposed to have children. The one thing God made for us to do and I can't even do that right. But God is good and I know he will provide.

I'm so thankful I have a friend I can talk to about all this. Most of my friends are not ready for kids and really have no idea what I'm going through but it's nice to have someone I can share my experience with-other than Tim of course. Someone who really knows. So to that person...Thank you!

Merry Christmas

Well we got pregnant a little over 2 weeks ago and come to find out I miscarried. The doc said it was too early to be worried about anything though, so we can continue trying this month. It was definately a sock in the stomach when I found out that the blood test came back negative. But we're keeping our hopes up. Tim let me open my present on Christmas Eve (tonight) and it was a laptop! SO SURPRISED. I've never had one before so it was the best gift...other than my engagement ring of course. And then I opened the next box and it was a wireless modem. Let me just tell you my excitement. I thought I was important when he bought me a new phone a few weeks ago with internet on it. Now I can actually see what I'm doing on a full size computer screen. This means we can actually start sharing our pictures. I'm BEYOND excited!

wow...its been a long time!

So its been over a year since my last post and a lot has happened! I'll run down the list: we painted our house (tan) so no more red. That took tim a while because he rolled the whole thing. He refused to spray.Our puppies reached 1 years old. And they each weigh about 60-70 pounds. They still think their little though. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary. We loaded up the pups and went to tampa for sea world and busch gardens. Both parks had a place where we could take the dogs while we had fun in the park. We just couldn't bear to leave them here. We've both been at Navy Federal for a year and it's slowly getting better. There are days when I hate it thoguh. And...the biggest news, Tim and I are trying to have a baby. We've been trying for about 6 months. I found out 2 months ago that I don't ovulate so the doc has us on the lowest dose of clomid, hopefully we'll have some good news very soon. Its definately been stressful. Everyone says to relax and let it happen, but it's so hard when nothing is happening. I know that God has a plan though. I have probably googled everything there is to know about clomid, signs and symptoms of pregnancy, and what to eat/drink when trying. I know its silly but I'm so ready to be a mommy. Anywho...that's about all. I'll post pictures of everything soon.