This weekend has been probably the hardest weekend I've been through in a while. My mom worked so hard on getting her car back for my brother to drive. See...they thought it was totalled, but the people at the junk yard fixed it enough for it to be driveable and since it still had a few dents in it and no air bags, my mom thought it would be perfect for my brother to drive. She got it out of the junk yard on Thursday for $500 and let my brother drive it to school. When I got home from work that day, I was cleaning up some around the house and getting ready for our church softball game when my mom called to let me know that Tyler had wrecked the car again. At first I thought it was just a bad joke. I didn't want to believe her. Mainly b/c I knew that she had used the money for her house payment to get the car out of the junk yard. Eventually, it sunk in enough for me to collapse on the bathroom floor and sob my eyes out. I mean. Tyler is ok and that's really all that should matter. and it does. But...when does it stop? I know that there are other people out there with more problems than a simple car wreck and that the world doesn't revolve around my issues. But geez. I don't know how much more I can take. Seems like every time my little family takes 1 step forward, we get pushed 3 steps back. What hurts me even more is to think about what happens when I move out. When I'm finally able to move on and start my own life. What will happen here? Everytime I turn around there is money coming in from my grandparents, and when I ask my mom what the money is for...it's normally for minor stuff. But what happens when that money goes from being for Tyler's senior pictures to being for the water bill or the electric bill? What about when they can't afford to send any more money and instead of running water, that bill that can't be paid is for the roof over my brother's head. I have to worry about this stuff because these are the bills that I'm paying. And I really don't mind paying them...but what happens when I'm ready to buy my own house. Should I even think about this at all? I mean is that selfish of me...to want my own life. I feel guilty thinking about it because I know that when I'm in my mom's house, at least things are being paid. And I'm not saying that she's a bad mom...because she's not at all. I just think that she has more on her plate than she can handle at one time and that she honestly does not know how to handle it all anymore. It gets so frustrating getting calls from her at work asking for $100 here and $50 there because of stuff that she forgot to pay...but will it ever stop? If this is just temporary until she gets caught up..then will she ever be caught up? Its a hard thing to think about. Especially for me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I'm not strong emotionally and especially now. I've spent the weekend crying at a drop of a hat. Poor Tim hasn't really known what to do with himself. Every time he turns around I'm crying at something stupid. Friday was a rough day at work and I just walked around in a daze. I ended up leaving early and coming home to nap for a few hours.
Not only are things with the car situation bad, but my mom went to the doctor last week and they found that she has a few problems physically that have been caused by all the stress. The doctor put her on probably the most insane diet I have ever heard of and told her that she has to stay on it for 30 days to figure out if this fixes the problem. They found that she has Interstitial cystitis which is a pelvic disorder of some sort. She has cysts on her ovaries, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and she's going through pre-menopause. I know...God help me! haha. I think the menopause thing is the worse because she's been so emotional the past month or so. She tears up if you look at her the wrong way. seriously!! ugh.
It's just been a rough week and weekend. Needless to say. My mom is leaving for North Carolina on Tuesday and will be gone all week and my brother is staying with a friend this week so he'll have a ride to and from school, so hopefully I can be worry free....at least this week anyway. I can't wait till our Talladega trip so I can get away for a couple days. I think that's really all I need anyways.
1 comment:
Girl, you and your fam are in my prayers. You ARE going to make it! There will come a point when it will be perfectly clear what you need to do and what direction you need to go in. You just need to trust your heart and know that God has put those desires there for a reason.
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