daily seed

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes
on the vine; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie
empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the
cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be
joyful in the God of my salvation. The Sovereign LORD is my
strength! He will make me as surefooted as a deer and bring me
safely over the mountains. (For the choir director: This prayer is
to be accompanied by stringed instruments.) (Hab 3:17-19 NLT)

Prayer: LORD, when the things around me do not seem to prosper,
even if they look lifeless, especially then, help me turn my heart
to You in praise and thanksgiving for what I have in my
relationship
with You. Happiness may be circumstantial, but joy is a choice. I
choose to praise You and allow You to be the strength of my life
that transcends circumstances. That strength can enable me to go
above difficulties, challenges, and anything that would try to keep
me from reaching the mountaintop of joy in You. Thank You for the
many ways You are so good to me! In Jesus' name, Amen.

"he's the reason I keep wishing on a wishing star"

I'm so tired of people walking on eggshells around me. Granted, I have been edgy. And it doesn't take much for me to blow up. My mom called this guy I work with last week and told him, "be nice to brandi, she's going through a lot." Seriously mom...I'm grown. I can take care of myself. I know that people handle stress different than others. And I've always been that happy go lucky person that doesn't let stress get to me...I go with the flow...pray when I'm feeling down....pick myself up and get on with my life. This time, it's just so hard. I'll have a good day (which lasts for brief moments only) and then get swallowed back into my real life. The life where I am taken for granted. where I am run over. the life that I feel like I don't deserve... but then feel guilty b/c there are so many other's out there that have it so much worse than me. I had a guy come into my work last week and noticed that I wasn't acting myself and simply told me that I have so many reasons to smile and be happy. That I could walk, breathe, live..so many other's do not get that chance at life. Yet...why do I feel so miserable all the time? Why do I let the actions of other's bother me so bad? I mean..should I really care what my brother does with his life? or that my mom is never home to take care of her son? I really feel guilty at times because I know she has to make herself happy. But is that ok? I mean should she be allowed to be happy when her children are falling apart? ugh. I just want to take a break. a vacation from life. I want to drive until I can no longer hear my thoughts. If that makes sense. And you ask why am I being such a baby? why am I spilling out my thoughts online for the world to see? well here's why...

After I had started dating Tim, we were talking one day and the mention of marijuana came into the conversation. Well..he tried to tell me that he didn't see the big deal in it, that even he did it every now and then. This is where I told him that I disagreed with it, and if he wanted to stay with me, he would quit. See..I've seen the affects it can do on a family. I have many family members in jail b/c of this stupid stupid thing. Well he said that I was much more important that something stupid like that and so he quit...cold turkey. He dropped it just like that. Great! Now pay attention...this is where it may get complicated. About 1 or 2 months after this...I was on my way to the beach with his mom and she came out and told me that her and Tim's stepdad both smoke pot. Weird? Yes! I didn't know what to say. Here I had met this great guy who's family I loved ..and then I hear this. See I was fixing to go on the boat with them for the air show and she wanted to warn me that they would be doing this on the boat. . I was furious..but didn't want her to know this. I mean what do you say to your boyfriends mom?
Well...about 2 months later...after a few big fights with my brother...he admitted to using drugs. We had suspicions. His attitude had changed drastically, he slept all day, and would sneak out of the house at night and then stumble back in at 4 or 5 in the morning. Granted...he's a teenager, they're going to try things. Well, his coach found out and told him that if he wanted a career in basketball that he would have to quit. He said at the end of the year there would be a drug test held and all the boys were going to get tested. Needless to say..that hasn't happened yet. And my brother is still using. He has said that he quit...but I walked in one night and over heard him and his friends doing it. I guess he didn't realize I was home. That was the night that I hit rock bottom.
The problem all started when I moved out the first time. Well it started before I moved out, I was just too dumb to see it happening right in front of my eyes. My mom was never home. Even less than she is now. She would go to her boyfriends house after work and stay the night probably 5 nights out of the week, only returning home to get clothes. When I moved out, Tyler came into work one day (he worked part time at my job over the summer) and his eyes were so bloodshot, you couldn't see any white part of his eye. That same day, I caught him sleeping in the break room and asked him why he was so tired. He said he wasn't and jumped up and went out into our warehouse...where he fell asleep again. That's when I realized that something was going on. I called mom and she explained to me that she hadn't been home the night before but apparantly Tyler called her and told her he was home early. That's when the lying started.
Here is a 24 year old...who lives at home to help with finances so her brother can play basketball and not have a job. I also make about $60 more every payday than my mom does. I pay for the whole family's cell phone bill each month, which at times can reach over $300. I pay half the utilities and give my mom "rent money" each month. I have a car payment, a couple loans, and insurance on top of all this. My brother and I get into fights at Least twice a week. Not just arguing fights..but blown out yelling and throwing things fights. He calls me names that I could never call another person. My mom come's home at night only long enough to make sure tyler comes home. then soon after, she leaves. One night last week she actually stayed home and caught tyler sneaking out of his window around midnight. So mom loaded my dog and I up and went around the neighborhood only to find him at his "pot friends" house. Which ended with yet another fight...lasted until 4 am. Now some of you are saying.."welcome to the real world" Trust me..I know.

But I just don't know how much more I can handle.I mean seriously.

woah...weekends

"This weekend was 1 in a million..."I'm sure you've read that before.

This weekend was different. I love all my friends. new and old. and I am IN LOVE with my boyfriend. I'm so lucky to have all these people in my life.

I ♥ you!!!

Here's a recap:

Friday - was in parade, learned that a LOT of people "love me", learned how to make some really good "juice" in a 5 gallon cooler..and that not everyone calls it "hunch punch", drunk old guys are the best to watch...except when they fall...that kinda breaks my heart, saw way to many boobies, (even drawn on boobies), learned the black way to get beads is to say..."hey guh, gi' me some dem beaze" or something like that.

Saturday - slept in till 9ish, ran to tanning bed, then went to mandi's to prepare for the very long night ahead of me, learned that at parades you must watch at all times so that your eyes are not busted out from beads flying at 80380 miles per hour, then went back to mandi's to do more preparation, went to ozone to wait for 12 hours to be seated, only to have to eat a salad with my fingers, then finally making our way to seville after hitting up 2 different ATM's so ashley could empty her account for the night's spending...no...literally, at seville, I learned a lot...but I will just name this one thing-do not start tabs. If you have cash, use that and nothing else, after closing my tab at 2:00 am, I believe it was at $60 but I'm really not even sure about that b/c I don't really remember closing it, I did run into my UPS guy and that was fun, and I ran into a few other people, including the "hey guh...you gots lotz of beaze" guy, that was fun...not!, after stopping multiple times on the way home so I could umm..."see the sights", I made it back and tim came to pick me up from mandi's. (literally) it's ok guys..I didn't drive home. I am semi-responsible and didn't drink and drive.

Sunday -woke up with migraine (who'd a thunk it) and decided it would be best to "rest" I stayed in my PJ's all day and watched the DAYTONA 500* with my hunny, he took care of me, and it was nice. That's why I ♥ him so! I finally went to get my car at 7:30 last night. It was the best day ever. Really made me open my eyes and realize the real reason we're meant for each other. He's my better half...and I'm proud to call him mine. Oh we also watched Flicka and that movie is soooo sweet. You should watch it, if you have not yet.

*side note: my cousin's moving down to Daytona in about a month to work for Nascar so if you are a fan and want good seats...meaning pit passes and the seats that are airconditioned and in the press box...let me know. I now have the ultimate hookup!! :) Not that I care to much...but Tim's the biggest Jr. Fan alive and so he loves me even more now! haha..jk.

depression

• sleep disturbance
• agitation, irritibility or anxiety
• fatigue or slowing of body movements
• low self esteem
• less interest in sex
• depressed mood
• feeling sad, empty, hopeless, or numb
• headaches, back pain, muscle aches, chest pain

I am visiting my doctor in about a week if this doesn't go away. My preacher should be able to help too. My mom told me, at dinner last night, that what I'm feeling could be worse than just anxiety. I could very well be depressed. great.

for now, however, this song may help.

I was coming to the end of a long long walk
When a man crawled out of a cardboard box
Under the E. Street Bridge
Followed me on to it
I went out halfway across
With that homeless shadow tagging along
So I dug for some change
Wouldn't need it anyway
He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed
He said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that plane ride coming home from the war
That summer my son was born
And memories like a coat so warm
A cold wind can't get through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I stood there tryin' to find my nerve
Wondering if a single soul on Earth
Would care at all
Miss me when I'm gone
That old man just kept hanging around
Lookin' at me, lookin' down
I think he recognized
That look in my eyes
Standing with him there I felt ashamed
I said, You know, I haven't always felt this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like the day I walked away from the wine
For a woman who became my wife
And a love that, when it was right,
Could always see me through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I know somewhere 'round a trashcan fire tonight
That old man tells his story one more time
He says

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

stolen...from Kristi and Heather..sorry girls

" Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. " - 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

Most of you know this verse. This to me is true love. To not be jealous. To be patient. It's a hard thing to do. But that's love. Love is hard. Love to me is this:

• recieving a phone call from a friend who after calling forgets the real reason she called me in the first place.
• laying in bed and feeling my dog spread out across my legs
• going to work and finding a note my mom had left on my desk that say's "have a great day"
• getting daily God Seed email's from my mom
• knowing that even though me and my dad may talk once every couple months, I know that he loves me
• knowing that I can ask carrie's parents for help anytime and they will drop what their doing to help me as if I was their own
• seeing the smile on my brother's face when he see's me truly laughing about something he has done or said that's funny
• knowing that Tim will always respect me and love me just for me
• waking up in the middle of the night with Tim's arms wrapped tightly around me

just sometimes...

there are people you thought you could trust

good news

So my brother came in my room at 11:30 last night glowing from ear to ear with the exciting news...
He got to play in their district tournament game and...they won!!! So now they go on to the next game on Friday. woo-hoo!!

It was soo great to see him so happy. Made my heart smile.

"face down on the floor..."

I’ve been here a thousand times before...

Face down on the floor

Wondering how I even reached this place again

But you’ve shown so endlessly,

How your love pours over me,

No picture can re-create the beauty that I see

Show me what it means,

To live my life a sacrifice,

If only I would realize how much It took to pay the price,

I know I’d always give,

Everything to you

I want this world to always see

Your perfect majesty,

Reflecting from my life this brilliant poetry

Show me what it means,

To live my life a sacrifice,

If only I would realize how much It took to pay the price,

I know I’d always give,

Everything to you

Written all over this place,

The signs of all creation that you breathed,

Words can’t even state how much you mean to me

I want to face my very crime,

Of not always giving all of mine,

But I can feel the hope you bring to me

These are the words I'm listening to....

My brother's ACL is not torn...nor is it anymore than just a pulled muscle. The stupid doctors were looking at the MRI results from 2005...yeah.

so woohooo!!!

power in prayer is amazing when it happens in your home.

"Ever feel hated by the Man above?"

So my brother had surgery last year on his knee to fix a torn ACL...

his last game on Friday during tip off he started limping real bad and told the coach that he had to come out. Well me and mom were freaking out at this point, not sure what was going on hoping it wasn't his knee. He sat out the rest of the game...which broke my heart to see him so upset. Rested his knee all weekend...then went to the doctor yesterday. The doctor said that he's pretty sure he just tore his miniscus which is minor compared to his acl surgery.

doc calls this morning and say's the MRI came back and he thinks that tyler tore his ACL yet again. Boo!...this weekend has been a weekend from hell (as far as my boyfriend is concerned)(...I had fun with my girls though.) and to add this to the mix. my heart is broken...again.



in response to the title of this blog........yes. I do.

"Do not pass go..do Not collect $200"

So I had to bail Bandit out of "Jail" today. Apparantly he's been getting out of our yard and the people 2 street's over called the pound on him. :( He was so sad when I went to get him today. Made my heart sad. Anyways..so I had to fork up $133 to bail him out...plus $72.00 for a kennel to keep him inside. ugh...money money money. Dog's are expensive!!! but I love him none the less :) And I'm glad I found him there and not dead on the side of the road somewhere.

I have the best boyfriend. ever.

Isn't it funny how you go through life finding out there are going to be people out there that you think you can depend on only to be let down. Well. That's the story of my life. Maybe it's because I wear my heart on my sleeve and let people run me over. Granted. I've become more aware of this in the past year and because of this reason, It's become more and more difficult for me to open up to people. I've learned that you can't always rely on the people you think will always be there for you. However, There are definately people out there that care about me and treat me like family. It's because of these people that I haven't crawled into a hole somewhere and buried myself alive when the storm's were raging.


ps. pray for me.

"There was no denying, I let God down"

There I was ten years old

waitin' in my room for him to come home

and I just knew he'd be so mad

even though I begged my mother not to, she told my dad.

There was no denyin' I let him down

but instead of being angry

he put his arms around me and said

in the sunlight or the rain brightest nights or darkest days

I'll always feel the same way

whatever road you may be on

know your never too far gone my love is there wherever you may be

just remember that you'll always be my baby.

There I was twenty-one

oh I was so ashamed of what I'd done

on a country road parked one night

what started out so innocent

crossed the line

there was no denyin' I let God down

but instead of being angry he let his love surround me and I heard

in the sunlight or the rain brightest nights or darkest days

I'll always feel the same way

whatever road you may be on

know your never too far gone

my love is there wherever you may be

just remember that you'll always be my baby

yeah yeah.

There he is my little man

I'm sure he'll get in trouble every now and then

and I pray to God that when he does

I'll be just as understanding as my father was

'cause the last thing that I want to do is let him down

so instead of being angry

I'm gonna throw my arms around him and I'll say

in the sunlight or the rain brightest nights or darkest days

I'll always feel the same way yeah whatever road you may be on

know your never too far gone my love is there wherever you may be

just remember that you'll always be my baby

be my baby

There are only a few songs out there that really hit me hard...and this is definately one of them. From the whole Dad part to the God part. I tear up everytime I hear this. I recieved a birthday card from my dad today in the mail and it seems that he always knows exactly what to say to make me feel guilty about something that has happened. All his cards say the same. "Sorry for not being a better dad, for not giving you what you may need, for not being rich. Sorry for letting you down, but I'll always love you..." I mean am I being the bitch here? Should I give him a 847th chance or should I just shake my head and walk away. Sometimes I'm so confused about what to do. I feel bad that he blaims her for how mine and his relationship has ended up, but she know's it's not her fault. She understands. I just wish I could show him how harsh he is sometimes. Even though it's a losing battle. The threats are more than I can take at times. And I take my anger out on those around me...when really it's killing me more than I can say. I listen to sappy music over and over until it's replaying itself in my dreams.

He get's angry that I push him away. She get's angry that I won't open up. And my blood...geez that's a whole different story. I can't even look at him these days. The drugs have taken over. Not drugs. But his "Friends". I'm so confused. I just want to walk away from it all. I want to wake up one day and find myself walking aimlessly down the highway...with luggage in one hand and a thumb raised on the other. But who doesn't? I mean do we all live this fairytale life. We all act like we are perfectly ok...but are we ever really? Or are we just acting. I mean...we all have these parts of our life that we want to lock away and forget existed, but we never really can. It's like a disease. a blood stricken disease that has haunted me my whole life.

"When the lights are down low, and You nibble on my neck..."

Well...If you've read Carrie's blog, then you pretty much have our whole trip outlined already. So..I really have nothing much else to write about. So I'll just post some pictures for your pleasure:



Tim never last's long in the car. He always fall's asleep..but I guess that's one thing we have in common. I can fall asleep on the way home from Mobile.

Who knew sneeking past a "no crossing" sign could be so funny...

These following pictures are from Wannab's...take them as you like. :)

This is Tim acknowledging that he's past drunk. Ha!

Not even Carrie can pull off the "drunken Eye" haha!

(case and point...)

Oh and I fixed this one...it's right now!!! hahaha!!

"I raise my hands...bow my head...I'm finding more and more truth in the words written in Red"

Well...Here's a toast to the New Year rolling in. Last year at this time, I was having a rough time with life. I had many things on my plate I had to deal with and wasn't looking forward to moving on into the future at all. This year however, will be different. I've grown up so much in the past year that I'm excited to welcome in 2007 with a big bang. I was browsing online today, and ran across an article that said "Top Ten New Year's Resolutions" so I clicked on it, simply out of curiousity. Here's what their list said and what I think of it:


1. Spend more time with family and friends. I can understand this. To me, family and friends are the glue that holds us together. We are molded and shaped by our friends and family and that is what has made us who we are today, so why not spend more time with them. This will definately be one that I will add to my list.
2. Fit in Fitness: Ok this is a given...for everyone! :)
3. Tame the Bulge: I thought this was the same as #2. O'well.
4. Quit Smoking: I've already done this. SO Yay for me!!!
5. Enjoy Life More: Who doesn't want to do this??
6. Quit Drinking: What's the fun in this? I guess it's good for those that over indulge, but I like my occasional miller lite, or glass of pinot grigio. o'well.
7. Get Out of Debt: ooh...me me me!!!
8. Learn something new: sure, why not?
9. Help Others: see #8.
10. Get Organized: this is definately one of mine.


Now this list was of course the "normal" resolutions. Here are mine:


1. save save save...(me and Tim do plan on getting married one day)
2. PRAY more...(there reallly is power in Prayer)
3. get organized!! I love this one b/c well...you should just see our house. My mom is a pack rat.
4. Pay off debt...(this I plan to do with my income tax check...I'll let you know how this goes. ha!)
5. Figure out exactly what I want to do when I "grow up"...(I've yet to finish school, and it's about time I make that a priority)


I have so many things to look forward to with the coming year!! The most significant thing is that my Baby brother is Graduating!!! That's crazy! But I'm so excited to see him for the first time on that college basketball court. It's one of his dreams and I'm so excited that he has a chance to live that dream.

Another thing, is My future with Tim. I'm so excited to learn more about him and have a little family with him one day. It's definately a weight off my shoulders to know that he's The One.

Watching my mom and her relationship with Mike blossom, has been a definate high point of this year and I'm real excited to see where this relationship takes her. It's so good to see my mom smile, if you haven't seen it yet, you're missing out. She has the most amazing smile ever!

I'm really excited to get more involved. Next Year I want to be involved with as much of my friends lives (new and old) as I can, I want to get involved with church events, local events, and volunteering. I am ready to become a REAL member of Pensacola. I love this town and I want to experience it!


I hope everyone has a very safe and Happy New Years!! I love you all...and will be thinking about you when I'm jamming out to Brooks and Dunn on Sunday night!!

AAAwhhOOOOO PLAY SOMETHING COUNTRY!!! hahah!

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

I woke up at 5:30 this morning to Tim singing "Happy Birthday" to me. It was the sweetest thing ever. BUT he's making me wait till tonight to get my present. Boo!

Anyways. just wanted to share. Happy Birthday to me!!!

Christmas is over...But I'm not Finished Celebrating!

This Christmas was so bittersweet..but probably the best. I learned so much about so many people and spent Christmas with the one's I love most. Me and my mom had the biggest heart to heart last night and that meant more to me than anything in this entire world. I got some really cool things for Christmas but I had more Joy watching my mom's face light up as she opened her stocking and then all the presents that were found under the tree for her. She was really surprised that she had so many wonderful things that I think I saw her wipe away a tear or two. She has the best boyfriend in the world, for he spent so much money on my brother buying him all sorts of very cool clothes and about 3 pairs of shoes. It was crazy! My mom basically handed me a card all the while apologizing for not being able to afford more. She doesn't quite understand the concept that when you get older, the presents become scarce. She is getting my windows on my car tinted for my Birthday/Christmas present. ((Which I only allow certain people to combine.)) And I now have to apply Carrie to this list. haha! Tim gave me this gorgeous Relic watch that has heart links and a pink face...I love it!! Now I can look forward to that ring next year!! ha!

Rain rain...go away...

If you have not seen the weather report for tomorrow then prepare to be sad. It's supposed to rain all day tomorrow which means We probably won't be having the stinkin bon fire for my party b/c it's almost impossible to light wet wood. Boo! SO...if you're planning on coming to the party and you have a fun game to bring...bring it!! I have a couple, but it's better to have variety. Hopefully it will stop raining before noon tomorrow but I find that unlikely looking at the stupid radar. I'm so upset. I was almost crying last night over it. :(

Anyways...my party should still be fun! We'll have plenty of food and maybe play a game or two. PLUS it will be fun just seeing everyone!

See you all tomorrow night!

ps. kristi, its ok. I'm sad that your missing it too, but I'll see you at Heather's birthday party @ Lamberts!!!! WOOHOO!!

"SANTA!!!!!...I know him!!!!"

This weekend was so much fun! Friday night me and Tim went to (of course) my brother's game...they played Ft. Walton..And we won, which was good b/c it was a district game. But the best game was Saturday night. And I'm SOO sorry that I missed the Nutcracker this weekend, I'm sure it was beautiful...but Family comes first. Plus, they played Escambia ( a team we've never beaten) and that game was SO intense. We were tied up until the last 20 seconds or so of the game and they fouled twice so we won by 4 points. It was such a good game, and I'm so glad I didn't miss it.

Saturday before the game, me and Tim went our own ways and did Christmas shopping for each other, then we met up at Chets and had a yummy lunch! After spending about 3 more hours shopping we headed home. I have most the stuff for my Christmas party, now all I have to get is the food. I'm soo excited!!

Sunday, I woke up and went to church, Monterey's and then what else, but more shopping. I got most my shopping done...Including you, Carrie...now all I have to get is my brother's. Woohoo!! I bought the Cutest outfits for my Friends little girls. They are so precious. Last night me and Tim took them to the Zoo lights in Gulf Breeze. SO much fun!! I love the Hot Chocolate there, however last night, it was a Little too chocolaty! Sorry you missed it Carrie. We missed you there! I don't know about you guys...but I'm ready for my half day at work on Friday and then Monday Off!!! I wish we were closed next week, but that's not gonna happen. So think of me next week when all you suckers are off! haha! However, we're leaving for Nashville next saturday!! Woohoo!! So excited!!!!

And I'm REALLY excited to get my Christmas gift from Tim. He's so sneaky about it. I gave him his already. Only because I was afraid he was going to go buy one himself. It was a white gold Cross charm. His broke about 3 months ago and he's really been wanting a new one...so it was perfect!! Plus I bought him tickets to see Ron White so that was part of his gift also!! Gosh, I'm so stinkin excited about Christmas! Can't wait!

And I hope to see you ALL this Friday night. Oh and don't worry if you have to come later...I have people coming at all hours of the night. Even one person coming when she gets off at 11:30. I don't know if there will be marshmallows left, but it will be fun to hang out and talk about Christmas!

Hahaha!!

more funny pictures from our "session". :)

this one is "the wink"

I laugh when I look at these pictures...thought you could use a good laugh also! haha!!!

Christmas Party

Last night was my work Christmas Party. It was at Frankos (an Italian restaurant behind the civic center) That place is SO yummy!!! The party was so much fun. My co-workers are all so much fun and we laugh and joke around so much together. I don't think I could hand pick better people to work for and with! I had the shellfish nopolatana, and a glass of pinot grigio...yumm. Tim went with me and he LOVES everyone that I work with also. They just helped him to fit right in. I'm so thankful for that b/c he'll probably be at all the christmas parties in the future with me! Anyways. Thats all for now. Back to work for me!